MEDITATION 6
CLINGING IS DYING
Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests; but
the Son of man has nowhere to lay his head.
M t. 8, 20
Here is a mistake that most people make in their
relationships with others. They try to build a steady nesting place in the ever
moving stream of life.
Think of someone whose love you desire. Do you want to be
important to this person, to be especial and make a difference to his or her
life?
Do you want this person to care for you and be concerned
about you in a special way? If you do, open your eyes and see that you are
foolishly inviting others to reserve you for themselves, to restrict your
freedom for their benefit, to control your behaviour, your growth and
development so that it will suit their interest.
It is as if the other person said to you, “If you want to
be especial to me then you must meet my conditions. Because the moment you
cease to live up to my expectations, you will cease to be especial.”
You wanted to be especial to someone, didn’t you? So you
must pay a price in lost freedom. You must dance to the other person’s tune
just as you demand that other persons dance to yours if they want to be
especial to you.
Pause now to ask yourself if it is worth paying so much
for so little.
Imagine you say to this person whose special love you
want, “Leave me free to be myself, to think my thoughts, to indulge my taste,
to follow my inclination, to behave in ways that I decide are to my liking.”
The moment you say those words you will understand that
you are asking for the impossible. To ask to be especial to someone means
essentially to be bound to the task of making yourself pleasing to this person.
And therefore to lose your freedom. Take all the time you need to realize this.
May be now you are ready to say, “I’d rather have my
freedom than your love.” If you could either have company in prison or walk the
earth in freedom all alone, which would you choose?
Now say to this person, “I leave you free to be yourself,
to think your thoughts, to indulge your taste, follow your inclinations and
behave in any way that you decide is to your liking.”
The moment you say that you will observe one of two
things:
Either your heart will resist those words and you will be
exposed for the clinger and exploiter that you are -so now is the time to
examine your false belief that without this person you cannot live or cannot be
happy.
Or your heart will pronounce the words sincerely and in that
very instant all control, manipulation, exploitation, possessiveness, and jealousy-
will drop.
“I leave you free to be yourself- to think your thoughts,
indulge your tastes, follow your inclinations and behave in ways that you
decide are to your liking.”
And you will notice something else:
The person automatically ceases to be especial and
important to you.
And he or she becomes important the way a sunset or a
symphony is lovely in itself, the way a tree is especial in itself and not for
the fruit or the shade that it can offer you. Your beloved will then belong not
to you but to everyone or to no one- like the sunrise and the tree.
Test it by saying those words again- “I leave you free to
be yourself to think your thoughts, indulge your tastes, follow your
inclinations and behave in ways that you decide are to your liking.”
In saying those words you have set yourself
free. You are now ready to love. For when you cling, what you offer the other
is not love but a chain by which both you and your beloved are bound. Love can
only exist in freedom. The true lover seeks the good of his beloved which
requires especially the liberation of the beloved from the lover.
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